1. EVERYTHING IS BLACK…YOUR SHOES…YOUR CLOTHES…YOUR SOUL
Let’s face it – you might not have THE best fashion sense than say, your sister’s ex-boyfriend (who was a total jock…), but it seems pretty simple to you: black shirt, black jeans, black socks and black sneakers; or even better: black boots. Yeap, the lack of color IS your favorite color! Plus points for leather jackets and of course, original band merch and/or tour shirts of your favorite metal outfit, but aside from keeping it simple, you’re trying NOT to attract TOO much attention to your outfit, hence, actually have to talk about it. Trying to beat the summer heat? Black denim shorts. Done.
2. THERE ARE OPINIONS, AND THERE IS MY OPINION.
Opinions are like assholes: everyone’s got one. And though it’s sort of true that everyone’s entitled to their own thoughts and beliefs, hardly anything or anyone else can match the conviction behind a true metalhead’s beliefs, nor can anything sway his/her opinions the other way. I mean, imagine trying to tell a metalhead that any other kind of music is better, we dare you… while classic rock-lovin’ hippies may shrug their collective shoulders and not care, or while rave-party goin’ EDM fans may simply laugh at anyone trying to discredit their preferred musical taste, telling a metalhead that his/her preferred kind of music is anything less than spectacular is like trying to tell any reasonable human being that the world is flat: after the requisite four-hour cussing spree ensues, they WILL have you burned at the stake… while playing their favorite Judas Priest album.
3. SABBATH, NOT ZEP…
There’s not even a debate at all: yes, all respect goes to Led Zeppelin, because after all – their hard-partying ways and the excess, and their fascination with one Aleister Crowley and their penchant for weird Eastern-like influences in music contributed so much to the sound and face of hard rock in general… BUT, it was the four chaps in Black Sabbath – a band from Birmingham England – who brought the gloom, doom and the all-around-heavy first. No question about it. While Led Zep’s Jimmy Page was fascinated with the sexy, drug-induced mysticism and weirdness most rich people and celebrities of the time found so intriguing, Sabbath’s Tommi Iommi was writing the detuned riffs that sounded nothing short of the impending apocalypse; Sabbath were four pissed-off lads who had nothing to lose, and celebrated the darkness in its full glory, while original singer Ozzy Osbourne was reported to be chomping down on the heads of bats and doves. So while it’s important to have an mp3 or two, or three of the best Led Zeppelin tunes out here, you better know almost EVERY Black Sabbath tune and have almost every Sabbath album in your collection.
4. YOU LOVE DISTORTION…
It’s true. Yes, almost everyone learns how to play guitar on a acoustic guitar, but as soon as you save up some cash (after you’ve spent most of it on your essential heavy metal albums…), you NEED an electric guitar. And a decent enough stomp box that’ll provide mondo gobs of gain and distortion. AND…
5. …AND POINTED GUITARS ARE THE SH***.
Fuck Stratocasters… not loud enough. Les Pauls? Nice sound, but not quite… \m/. Ibanez? Yes. ESPs? Bring ’em on! Jacksons? Yay! Flying Vs? Woot-woot! BC Rich’s? OH HELL YES! Humbuckers and 24-frets are a given, of course… but it’s mostly about aesthetics. If it feels good and sort of looks like a weapon from the medieval period, chances are, you’re playing it!
6. YOU APPRECIATE THE DOUBLE BASS DRUM.
We’re talking about double-bass drumming. This is pretty self-explanatory. I mean, how can you NOT love double-bass drumming, you twirp?!!
7. SUNDAY IS YOUR DAY, NOT THE LORD’S…
…you sleep-in. You’re probably hung-over from Saturday Night’s debauchery: be it a gig you played the night before, or the fact that you watched ALL your favorite thrash bands until 2 in the morning, or simply got together with yer buddies and watched The Exorcist for the nth time at your friend’s garage. Fact is, while everyone’s waking up early and getting ready for church, you’re just about closing the window blinds on yer room and hitting the sack. And it’s not that you’re a faith-less S.O.B., you just love freaking out the straights and your parents with all this seemingly “anti-Christian” activity.
8. EVERYTHING ELSE… SUCKS
“Hate” is such a strong word, but you could definitely care less about the new Adele album, or the latest trends in food photography, or the fact that cronuts are a cross between donuts and whatever the fuck. I mean, it’s not like you don’t have a life or, well… other hobbies. It’s just that cranking Slayer and throwing the devil-horns is a much more satisfying past-time than, say, oh… anything else? So raise them horns and scream: “death to all but meeeeeeeetal!”